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Toddlers and Separation Anxiety
by Jodie Lynn

Does your toddler become upset or cling to your body at daycare, an activity or any old time she is dropped-off or when you try to leave? If you have to spend more than fifteen minutes trying to calm her down, then separation anxiety is probably the culprit. 

Toddlers, and even some preschoolers, will display their fears of separation anxiety by becoming clingy, crying, and even a full-blown temper tantrum when a parent tries to leave. 

Unfortunately, it fills a parent with a huge dose of guilt, feelings of helplessness and leaves both, children and the parent, exhausted. 

While this episode is perfectly normal at this age, here are some things that might help:

Claim your own insecurities and stay calm: Don’t listen to guilt. If you know that your child will be fine and will actually benefit from her activity or experience, try to stay positive. It’s imperative that as the parent, you stay assured and confident of the endeavor. If the child sees an upset parent, it will only heighten the emotional roller-coaster and add additional tension.

Creative bedtime stories: At least three times a week, make up stories of a child who is going to be away from her parents and expand on how much fun she will have. Use a name of a person, place or name of activity that your child can associate within your story. You may want to use special names for each entity in the story. For example, play dates or play groups, can be called "Fun Spot." In the story, say, "Tomorrow, Tracy will get to go to her Fun Spot, at the YWCA, to play with her friends. They will all have a fun time." 

Assure your child that you will return: Be sure that your child knows that you will return to pick her up. Ask the director or leader for a schedule of activities. Tell your child that you will be back to pick her up after they watch the afternoon movie of "Blues Clues," or whatever it is that is scheduled no later than ten minutes before you arrive to pick her up. This will help her monitor when you will be back.

Ask for suggestions: Many teachers, group leaders and directors, experience separation anxiety each day with many kids. You are not alone. Ask for some suggestions for what works with some of the other kids. You can always try new things by applying them to your own situation simply by personalizing it for your child and you.

Keep good-byes short: Take your child up to the door, or into the building, and say your good-byes, hug her and then leave. Always ask the leader, teacher or director how long it takes for your child to settle down. If it is almost as soon as you leave, then the quicker you get out of sight, the sooner she will become calm. If it takes a little longer, practice a routine with her by giving her three hugs and then leaving. You might say, "Tracy, I love you and here is your first hug" – and count each one until you get to the third, and then say, "Tracy, here is your third hug and now, I have to go – I will be back right after ‘Blues Clues’." 

Be sure that your child likes to go wherever it is she is going and that she enjoys the leader or teacher. Many facilities offer an online web view on their classes. Ask to see if this is an option. If so, you can check on your child anytime. This way, you will be able to see the interaction between teacher/leader and other kids as well as your own child. 

Don’t worry, separation anxiety will soon disappear, especially as your child gets older. Depending on your child’s age, if you are still having challenges after one month, then you will need to revisit your decision of this specific activity or facility. 

©2006 Jodie Lynn