A Better Mousetrap?
by Linda Sharp

It has long been said that if you, "Build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to your door."  So true.  Inventors have long enjoyed very lucrative careers spent ferreting out that which needs improved, enlarged, reduced or what, in many cases we, the unwashed masses, had no idea we could not live without.

Take for instance, Ronco president Ron Popeil.  Where would this world be without Mr. Microphone: "Hey babe, be back to pick you up later!", The Pocket Fisherman: Small enough to clip to your belt under your three piece suit, you know, in case you get the urge to bass fish in your client's koi pond.  And how many of us would be unable to enjoy the pleasures of dried bananas or homemade beef jerky without a Ronco Food Dehydrator?  Apparently over 500,000 of us and counting.  I must also ponder how we made it this far as a civilization having to actually break open an egg in order to scramble its contents?  Thank Ron for the Inside-The-Shell Egg Scrambler!  (Note to Ron: One must still crack the egg to actually cook and consume the contents.) 

Anyway, the point is that if you create something ingenious enough or alter an existing product, then market it extensively through TV, the people of the world will worship you with dollar bills.  The TV component has not escaped the notice of demographic experts who know that the youngest consumers make up the largest viewing audience. So explains the never ending onslaught of products being marketed to our children.  Be honest, Nickelodeon is nothing more than a series of commercials with a cartoon snuck in here or there.

The latest products being hawked to the kids have to do with food.  Kids eat, right?  Of course, but advertisers also know that kids crave excitement, variety, the unexpected!  I have news for them, kids are also extremely finicky and some products, like the mousetrap, are better left alone. 

Blue & Pink Squeeze Butter: Parkay has bet million$ that millions of kiddies will want to eat toast and waffles covered with runny colored butter.  News Flash: Children taste with their eyes long before their tongues are involved.  My oldest daughter's reaction?  "It must taste like Pepto- Bismal or a Barium Enema.  No thanks."  Don't ask me how she would know what a barium enema tastes like. . .

Heinz Colored Ketchups: Ok, on the surface this must have seemed like a winner.  But the one bottle of green ketchup I bought languished in my refrigerator until it turned back into a tomato.  Only one child even tried it, admitted it tasted like regular ketchup, but still could not eat it with her eyes open.  The other two children deemed it "Disgusting baby poop stuff."  We won't even mention what description the purple ketchup earned.

Sliced Peanut Butter: If you have not yet seen this on your grocer's shelves, think brown American Cheese.  Apparently this is supposed to be a time saving device, but quite frankly, peeling a piece of peanut butter onto a slice of bread is, well, a little weird.  Give me a knife and a jar of Skippy any day.

Speaking of bread, Crustless Bread: Yes, after lo these many years having to actually remove the crusts with a knife, the bread companies have finally developed the crustless loaf of bread.  Are my children intrigued?  Of course.  They all maintain that crust will make them gag.  However, in a serious misstep, the marketers priced it over $1.20 more than a loaf with crust, and failed to take into account that we busy parents actually live on the crusts we cut off our children's sandwiches.  So, will I pay more money to starve?  I think not.

Flavored French Fries: All parents know that children would eat french fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner if allowed.  Well, what if those fries were blue?  That's right, they are now available in bright blue.   My suggestion that they could be eaten with purple ketchup earned feigned vomiting from my children.  But wait!  Blue not your style?  Try CHOCOLATE!  I don't know whose children were used in the test groups by these companies, but my girls know that a french fry is a potato and the thought of a chocolate potato?  Excuse me while I pretend to throw up.   My opinion? Ore-Ida has come up with a Spud Dud.

I suggest these manufacturing gurus go back to the drawing board, keeping in mind that children like that which is familiar. The only way they are going to eat a Kiwi-Mango Pop Tart is if they are fed them from birth. 

In the meantime, I will reserve my admiration and praise for the true creative genius of the world: Mr. Popeil.  Hey, I have an idea!  Perhaps when they finally add his likeness to Mount Rushmore they could sprinkle some seeds in the crevices of the rocks.  Don't you think it would be a beautiful testament to his many contributions to see his head sprouting like a Chia Pet for all eternity?

Ok, ok, I didn't say it was a good idea.

Related Articles:

Taming the Plastic Monster
Oh yes, I was a child expert. Everyone is a child expert when they don't have any children or if their children are grown.

Un-Happy Meal  
Nowadays, most fast food toys are referred to fondly as "junk".  And that, according to just about any parent, is sugar coating it.  

My Mother the Spy
I firmly believe my mother is a spy. Not the run of the mill, garden variety snoop, but a hard core, James Bond-rivaling agent of intrigue and defender of national security.