Family Picnic: Don't Bring The Nuts
by Kim Burke 

Ah, summer. A time for taking the family to the park, or the lake, for a quality time picnic gathering. As an adventurer of the great outdoors, its my duty to enlighten you as to what mishaps may occur so that you can avoid them at all cost. 

Keep this in mind. If you have children and you do indeed take them along on the picnic or any other outing for that matter, do not have drummed up fantasies of the whole family being together and everything being wonderful. You stupid idiot! Children begin every sentence with, "I want..." If you think everything will go smoothly and peacefully, you are out of your ever-loving mind and should be committed!

When lunch is ready, the kids want to swim. When you want to rest, the kids want to eat. For the entire day consider yourself the bringer of fun. Remember your visions of being the best parent in the world? Here is your golden opportunity and there aren't any options. Your job is to unpack, set out, prepare, pop and pour, watch, scamper, yell, run, scream, clap your hands in warning, count 1, 2, 3, holler, spray insect repellent, apply sunscreen, recover lost items, fly-swat, deep dive for a one-dollar Wal-Mart necklace, clean, pack up, tote, pull the kids off the swing set and listen them whine and moan when it's time to leave.

Speaking of swing sets, I just don't get it. A slide is a slide. A swing is a swing. But who the heck came up with see-saw? It should be an up-and-down. Moving along...

The men are unavailable to help as they have momentarily reverted back to their own childhood ways. The words they utter will be, "Huh" and "Relax" while listening to the baseball game on FM radio or playing a game of catch.

As for the men and their games, try not to lose your balls in the lake!

Is it worth it? If you bring your own parents along, yes. Then you are, in fact, doing a good deed. Your parents will get more joy watching you lose your mind in one afternoon than they had the entire time they raised you. They will offer an occasional, "Need some help, dear?" You are to answer, "No thank you" as they snuggle deep into their lounge chairs with protective sun umbrellas and books in hand. The reward of justice has shone down from the sky and they can spend the rest of their lives in utter joy and satisfaction.

When you get home, after you unpack and are ready to relax, the first words you will hear as you fall into the recliner are, "Mom, I'm bored."

It's enough to make any kid these days take a vow of celibacy. 

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