Mom's Shuttle Service
Linda M. Sharp

While much has been written and joked about Mom's Taxi, I have a problem with comparing myself to that mode of transportation. One, "taxi" brings to mind dirty, smoky, sometimes fringe infested autos driven by people who should not be driving a skateboard,
 much less a car. 

I got some birthday gifts the other day. One was a notepad that attaches to the dashboard for the car. Another was from a friend who knows I enjoy hot tea. It was a "spilless" mug for the car. My children got me one of those beaded seat covers, supposedly good for the back, for the car. My husband gifted me with a cassette of some favorite music. A cassette, in this day of CDs? My minivan has no player so obviously music, for the car. Notice a trend here? In a recent study conducted by The Center For Approximate Approximations (located in my computer), it was revealed that the typical mother spends approximately 3 hours of her day in transit. Now, allowing for the occasional snow day, teacher conference and spring break, that means we are putting the "pedal to the metal" roughly 1,050 hours a year. That is 43 and 3/4 DAYS spent trapped in minivan, carpool, soccermom hell! Staggers the gastank, doesn't it?  

While much has been written and joked about Mom's Taxi, I have a problem with comparing myself to that mode of transportation. One, "taxi" brings to mind dirty, smokey, sometimes fringe infested autos driven by people who should not be driving a skateboard, much less a car. Two, taxis have that nice glass partition between passengers and driver. And three, TAXI DRIVERS GET PAID. With data, again supplied by Approximate Approximations, a mother drives an average of 25 miles per day, 8,750 miles per year, meaning in taxi cab fare, I am missing out on roughly $2,639. $4,523 if I charged for each additional passenger and pick-up! Makes me think I should paint a checkerboard on my minivan and start saying, "Yo, where to?" 

With three school age children, we are constantly on the go. Embarrassing to admit, but my kids have a better social life than I do. While the weeks are full of school related schlepping, any given weekend finds me shuttling them to at least two birthday parties, one movie and a slumber party. I literally have to check their schedules before making a date with my husband. Truth be told, I even schedule my bathroom trips around their itineraries! (Note: Do not ever take a laxative the night before an all day soccer tournament.) 

Remember those math problems in grade school? "If Train A leaves Chicago at 8am, carrying 30 cows. . ." Well, I sometimes feel like my transit life has become one big story problem. "If Minivan A leaves the house at 8am, carrying three children, making one stop to pick up two more children, depositing four children at School B before continuing onto School C, what time will Minivan A arrive at WalMart to purchase toilet paper?" You thought algebra, logarithms and geometry were hard? HA! I plan every stop, pick-up, drop-off and errand with more precision than a calculus professor. I do not spend one minute more than I have to in that vehicle. My aversion to my "prison on wheels" has evolved to the point that I refuse to use it on the weekends, opting for my husband's car instead. Still trapped, yes, but the variety keeps me sane. (Besides, his still has that "new car" smell unlike mine which hints of sweaty children and three month old french fries.) 

Mealtimes suffer due to the taxi schedule as well. I know some Moms who use those pots to slowly cook food all day while they are running all over town. Not me. I do not think it is a coincidence that those things are called "CROCKS". I just figure why fight it? I have contacted Westinghouse about having my glove box turned into a microwave, Kenmore about the possibility of refrigerating the underseat storage drawer, and Boeing about having an airplane toilet installed in the spare tire well.  

I suppose that it will only get worse as they get older. More activities, more friends, more miles. The Center For Approximate Approximations says I will lose the tread on roughly five sets of tires and burn through 6,372 gallons of gas before my oldest is old enough to drive. I hate to see what they say will be the approximate number of brain cells that will die of stress when I'm not in the driver's seat anymore! Maybe Mom's Shuttle Service isn't so bad afterall? "Yo, where to?"  

Linda Sharp is an internationally read humorist who writes regularly on the joyous and frustrating world of parenting. 

Linda is co-creator of the totally irreverent and hysterical website, Sanity Central — A Time Out From Parenting!, located at http://www.sanitycentral.com. With a cartoon cast of experts, Sanity Central is packed with enough humor for a week's worth of laughter time-outs!  

As a mother of three children (four if you count her husband), she firmly believes that laughter IS the best medicine. While her own life provides endless inspiration for her writing, she welcomes input and feedback from other parents! She may be reached via email at lsharp03@aol.com. Linda and her family currently shiver in the High Desert Country of central Oregon. 

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