Taming the Plastic Monster
by Lisa Kline

Oh yes, I was a child expert. Everyone is a child expert when they don't have any children or if their children are grown. I knew quite a bit when I was childless. Things like, ''you should take your child out of the store the minute he misbehaves and never give in to a tantrum.''

 It all started so harmlessly. I would tell my son, age two at the time, that he could have a piece of candy at the checkout line if he behaved well in the store. It worked for a few times but soon he was crying at the checkout for the candy, even if he had misbehaved. I found myself buying the candy just so he would be quiet in the checkout line. It didn't matter how he had behaved in the store. I just wanted to get out of the store without a tantrum.

I know what you are thinking, ''What an idiot, I would never do that.'' Well, that is what I thought when I was a child expert. Oh yes, I was a child expert. Everyone is a child expert when they don't have any children or if their children are grown. I knew quite a bit when I was childless. Things like, ''you should take your child out of the store the minute he misbehaves and never give in to a tantrum.''

I remember one time going into my niece's bedroom and being horrified to find seventeen Barbie dolls. I thought to myself, ''What mother in her right mind would buy her child seventeen Barbie dolls?" When I grew up I had one Barbie doll. Okay I had a Skipper too, but she doesn't count. What child in this world needs seventeen Barbie dolls? Right? Oh, if you could only keep that determination but I'm sad to say having children weakens you.

At about three years old my son found that there were bigger and better things than candy. That is when the action figures took over. He had seventeen action figures by age four and the number now is well over a hundred -- maybe two. The happy meal toys have probably surpassed a thousand but I don't count them. After all you do get a form of food with them. You may be asking yourself, ''Why doesn't she just stop? -- Maybe even get some help?'' Believe me I asked myself those questions the last time I was buying every Pokemon figure in town.

It is not that simple. In my weakness I have created a plastic monster. A plastic monster begs for anything that is plastic. Usually this plastic is in the form of some kind of creature, human, alien, or whatever. After the plastic monster gets the plastic creature it will love it for exactly one day and by the next day it will be found by your foot when you are trying to locate the bathroom in the dark.

As a new year fast approaches I find myself thinking about making a resolution. In years past it might have been to go on a diet or some other self improving thing, but this year I am determined to tame the plastic monster. I know it won't be easy. But I created it so I'm the master, right? All I know is I better do something before the plastic monster turns into something even worse -- the abominable clothes monster.

In all seriousness, I have discovered that I have really done a disservice to my children. I have instilled in them the idea that one must have everything to be happy. True happiness doesn't come in a box and it isn't made of plastic. To teach my children this will be my life's quest. I hope it's not too late.

Lisa Kline may be contacted at http://homepages.msn.com/HobbyCt/glts/index.html     glts@msn.com
She  is school teacher, wife, and mother of two sons. Her hobbies include arts and crafts, home repair and gardening.

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