How Do You Like Staying Home?
By Jay Sauls

If you want your heart to race, try standing in your favorite hardware store attempting to look cool and macho while a Precious Moment diaper bag dangles from your arm like your grandmothers over-sized purse.

I just want to announce that, to date, I have been asked, "How do you
like staying home?," seven-thousand three-hundred and eight times! I knew I would be subjected to this inquiry numerous times, but I didn't know that my friends would be consumed by the topic. As I answered-seven thousand-three hundred and eight times, "With my nose tightly clenched and the diaper pale close at hand!"

I'm sorry, that's what I answer when people ask me how I change diapers.
To truthfully answer I must state that of all the jobs I have worked, from pizza delivery to insurance sales, this one is the most rewarding. Not to mention the most exciting.  Exciting you ask? Oh sure, more than most guys would believe! If you want your heart to race, try standing in your favorite hardware store attempting to look cool and macho while a Precious Moment diaper bag dangles from your arm like your grandmothers over-sized purse.

Next, catch sight of your overly macho neighbor entering the aisle. The same neighbor that's positive you can name all the characters from all the soaps and constantly asks you to do so. Then catch sight of your neighbor approaching your position. His hand is pointing to you as his mouth begins to form words. The excitement starts now. Time slows down as you frantically take a quick look at your feet. Good, left the fuzzy slippers at home! Not that you actually wear them, but if you were ever going to have a mental slip and for what ever reason head to the hardware store, this would be the time.

Your heart beats twice, each one a thunder clap in your mind. In the same molasses slow movement, you ratchet your head up to check your shoulder.  A frozen sigh slips away when you realize that you aren’t wearing the baby’s "A mothers job is never done!" bib on your other shoulder. Your heart again thunders twice in your mind.  You twist your head to mark the progress of said neighbor.

Still you move as if trapped in a wave of slow motion. When your eyes turn to focus, you hear your friend call out to you. His words leave his lips in the same lazy, fashion.

Now your heart stops, you can't understand him but you know the words are about your appearance. With the blood pausing in your veins and your muscles now locked in place, all that moves are your eyes. He repeats his comment. Frozen in fear even your ears have quit working. Only control left is over your mouth. All you can spit out is a croaked, slurred, "What?"

His lips move again. Time has completely halted. Even the annoying little
kids playing with all the sound toys one aisle over are frozen in place. The
neighbors hand stretches out in time-lapse movement. You cringe. The hand passes you and lands gently on the fingers of your child. She calms and smiles instantly. The world snaps back to normal speed.

"I said, 'you two look got together'! Of course she makes you look better
than you make her, but hey!", then turning to your little baby, "we knew that anyway, didn't we sugar?" He then pats you on the shoulder, tussles her hair and moves on down the aisle. The diaper bags droops ever lower as you try to calm your racing heart. You begin walking back down the aisle, completely forgetting what you had come to buy.  The sound of whistling catches your ear and you turn to see your neighbor wave again and exit the building. Only ninety seconds have passed but you feel as if you've run a marathon.

My daughter relaxes in my arm and drools while sucking on the fat end of a
screwdriver. Lost in the moment, it takes me a while to notice all the men are giving me envious look. Not wanting to be left out I pick up my own screwdriver and start to suck on the fat end. Hey, like father, like daughter.
Tomorrow I think we'll go look at motorcycles.

Jay Sauls is  the writer of a humorous, slightly sentimental column called, "The Home Dad Chronicles."  He has also  written for Parenting Today and Babies Today magazines.  He can be reached by writing to Gaauthor@aol.com .

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