The Universal Script of Parenting 
by Linda M. Sharp

While we grow up swearing we will never say these things to our own children, in reality they roll off our tongues without a second thought, and suddenly we realize we are what our parents were for all those years . . . blithering idiots.

While sitting around the pool this summer, my friend and I were discussing serious world events like how does Catdog really use the bathroom? and how Ricky Martin makes our "Libidos Loca". This intellectual discourse was interrupted as two of our children raced past. Without missing a beat, we hollered in unison, "Walk, don't run!" Not five minutes later, after being warned repeatedly about spitting pool water at each other, we both bellowed in unison, "Don't make me come in there!" While we looked at each other and laughed, I stopped to reflect on the universality of parenting, the place of communication in the cosmos .... and how does Catdog really use the bathroom? 

It doesn't matter whether you are from Topeka or Timbuktu, South Dakota or Saudi Arabia, somehow the same parental admonitions are handed down from one generation to the next. And while we grow up swearing we will never say these things to our own children, in reality they roll off our tongues without a second thought, and suddenly we realize we are what our parents were for all those years . . . blithering idiots. I received my first lessons in both horticulture and finance from my father, with the classic, "Money doesn't grow on trees." Well, DUH Dad, right? Right. My own daughter practically sprained an eyeball from rolling them so hard the first time I uttered this pearl of wisdom. 

My mother was a font of 24K nuggets too. Raised on a farm, where I'm sure this made sense, she would always respond to the classic whine, "That's not fair!" with, "Fair comes in August." I'll pause while you figure out the meaning. Fair. August. 4-H? Blue Ribbons? There you go! Imagine being five, with no powers of deduction. I hate myself for actually saying this to my own children. They just stare at me, thinking that the only farm venue I am ready for is the funny farm. The other droplet of brilliance she handed down is "I have eyes in the back of my head." Personally, I do love this one. It always freaks my kids out that I can know what they are doing when I am not even looking. I suspect one night I'll awaken to little fingers feeling through my hair for my hidden peepers.

And who among us hasn't threatened to "pull this car over!"? Children just have a knack for getting into trouble when we are driving and seem to think we cannot do anything to stop them. My husband took it to absurd heights though during a water outing with the kids. Our two youngest were going at it, causing the boat to rock and he actually shouted, "Do you want me to pull this canoe over?!?" There was a short silence before we all burst out laughing at him. Ever see a boat stop on a dime? They are not exactly equipped with ABS. 

How about those mealtime favorites, "Don't talk with your mouth full." and "Clean your plate."? My oldest brought it to my attention that like the dentist, I always ask about her day as soon as she has taken her first bite. And my youngest, being a very literal three, once actually walked her plate to the bathroom, mounted her stool and rinsed her entire dinner off in the sink. She proudly presented me with a "Keen pate." Then there is always the lecture about "starving children" somewhere. When I was small, the venue was China. Nowadays, the map coordinates may vary, but the reaction is still the same. My children would gladly mail them their Brussels sprouts if only I would provide the stamp. 

It was just recently that I made a startling revelation. I was reprimanding my daughter for jumping on the beds, and used the parental favorite, "Don't let me catch you doing that again!" We have ALL used this one, admit it. I walked out of the room and was not five feet down the hallway when I heard the bedsprings in action. As I peeked around the corner and saw her in flight, I realized that that statement is nothing but a challenge, a dare, an invitation to practice deception. No where in those words do we tell them to stop. We have simply told them to not get caught. Even Judge Judy would rule in their favor. 

Finally, not a parent alive has attempted a phone call without being mercilessly interrupted or shouted at by their children. Just like our using the bathroom, they seem to have hidden radar that makes them desperately need our attention, when we are obviously preoccupied. To that end, I wish to expand the Universal Parental Script with this addition of my own. "Don't talk to me when I am on the phone unless you are on fire! And if you are on fire, I WILL SEE IT AND GET OFF THE PHONE!"™® Not as pithy as "Shut up!" I admit, but after you bellow it three or four thousand times, I promise, it too shall effortlessly roll off the tongue. (Please note the trademark. All royalties should be submitted to Linda M. Sharp, care of this publication. Thank you.) 

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