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Talking to Your Kids about Puberty
By Mia Cronan
http://MainStreetMom.com
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Times
sure have changed since many of us were going through those tender pubescent
years. Certain subjects were simply taboo! Nobody discussed them except at
slumber parties or late night during Girl Scout camping trips, and not
without a lot of giggling and embarrassment. |
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In a day when
information is available at every turn, it is becoming increasingly vital that
parents take on a proactive approach in keeping open lines of communication
between themselves and their children, both boys and girls. How often do our
kids come home misinformed or confused about their growth and development
because they received information from an unreliable source? It might have been
television, a friend, a book, or a web site. Or how often do our kids need to
be reined in with their knowledge, because they have been exposed to more than
they can handle at this age? We do not get these years back, so managing our
kids’ perception of maturing is critical.
Discussing
the delicate subject of puberty should not be looked upon as a one shot deal.
It ought to be an on-going process, maturing in nature as your child grows and
is able to manage more profound concepts along the way. Your being open and
honest when asked questions is important. But don’t wait until you are
approached by your child with questions; instead, look for ways to round out
what is happening in your child’s life whenever you can.
“Our
pediatrician has been very good about broaching all the sensitive subjects with
my daughters (include career choices...even asked at an early age, academic
success, smoking, drugs, sex, and peer pressure). Since mothers are excused
from the examining room during these conversations, it provides an opening for
follow-up conversation in the car on the way home. And the added benefit of
both of us looking out the front window of the car minimizes eye contact, which
makes a sensitive discussion easier. I do think it is important to ask what was
discussed in an off-hand, casual manner, being careful not to force the child to
relate anything she doesn't want to. Questions like ‘what did the doctor say
about .....’ are good openings,” says Anne Hoffman of Cincinnati, who is a
mother of two teenage daughters.
Here
are some tips to add to your arsenal of information:
- Look for
opportunities to discuss the sensitive subjects, such as personal care and
hygiene. Kids’ bodies go through so many changes in the short course of two
to three years, and hormones play a huge role in these transitions. Natural
body odor, increased oil-gland production, and peer standards all require a
daily regiment of bathing and more stringent personal care. Be sure that you
are open to providing products that your child is willing and eager to use
regularly. “My daughter reached the point where she felt she was old
enough to police her own showers. The deal then was that I wouldn't say
anything unless she went two days without a shower. This was somewhat
successful because it made her responsible for herself. Also, a shopping trip
to pick out her own deodorant is good, too,” says Anne.
- Talk to
your young child about new sexual urges and curiosities so that he knows how
to handle it. Discuss the physical, as well as moral, implications of sexual
activity so that he knows exactly where you stand. That will be his knowledge
base for the future, so face it head on.
- Educate
your daughter about menstruation before it happens. Assure her that
you will be there to help her manage all facets of it, to ease her worries.
Get her some good books to which she can refer. Knowledge is power, so arm
your daughter before it starts!
- Be aware
at all times about things that influence your kids. Know exactly what they
watch on TV, know how long they spend in front of a computer and what they’re
doing on it, and be conscientious about who their friends are. Know their
friends’ parents, or at least, meet them. When you drop off your child at a
friend’s house, take a minute to introduce yourself if you haven’t met the mom
and dad beforehand. Not only does checking up on your kids periodically keep
you informed as to their activities, it also sends a strong message to them
that says that you care. Yes, they might appear irritated when given the
third degree about their whereabouts, but deep down they are reminded of your
love and concern.
- Encourage
your child to participate in wholesome outside activities, such as scouting,
church groups, sports, and music lessons. A bored child is a child that gets
in trouble, but more to the point, an active child grows socially and learns
many things about himself and his abilities. The more exposure a young person
has to what life offers, the wider array of choices he will have in later
years.
- Remember
that you were there, too, years ago, and that it is so helpful for your child
to have someone calm and understanding to talk to about these matters. Try
not to get flustered if a question that you haven’t anticipated comes out of
left field. Put on a thoughtful expression, take a deep breath, and give a
relaxed, matter-of-fact answer as accurately as you can. Your son or daughter
will appreciate your candor and honesty.
- A
solid foundation, with life-style choices demonstrated, plays a big role in
providing our kids with the ability to make good decisions. Try to sit down
to a home-cooked, well-balanced dinner every evening. Talk about "good"
versus "bad" foods, and what we need to be healthy. Discuss protein, calcium
and vitamins. Encourage exercise, not in the manner of work-outs at the gym,
but in keeping active in daily living. The interesting thing is that schools
often make this easier because science classes are a lot more comprehensive in
this area. But, like so many other things, it must start at home. “Dinner
was very important in our household. And today, there are numerous statistics
about the benefits of eating together as a family. Dinner was a chance to find
out about the kids’ day and to tell them about my day. Even on days when my
husband couldn’t make it home in time, the kids and I would eat together and
then they would have dessert while their dad was eating his meal. We bonded
as a family during this time. And most of the time it was about their
friends, what the teachers were doing at school or upcoming field trips. We
were concentrating on the things going on in their lives rather than just
asking about their day,” says Mary Jo Rulnick,
award winning parenting advice columnist
and author of
The Frantic Woman's Guide to Feeding Family and Friends.
- Our
children need to understand that it is what is on the inside that matters, and
that is a tough thing to teach when there is such tremendous pressure on young
people today to have a certain body type at far too early an age. Naturally,
a child’s body image plays a large role in self-esteem. Be mindful not to
criticize your own appearance in front of your kids, as they will learn to do
the same of themselves. So much of our appearance is a direct result of our
heredity, which we cannot alter! Instead, help them to appreciate their
physical virtues, such as pretty hair, clear skin, or a lovely smile. Play up
the good, and play down the less desirable traits. Placing emphasis on
integrity, honesty, hard work, good grades, participating in outside
activities, and contributing to the well-being of the family are all far more
important.
- It
is always interesting to watch our children engage in social activities with
long-term friends as well as new ones. And peer pressure is an ever-present
part of that, whether it is readily apparent to us or not. What gives a child
the strength to say “no” when encouraged to make a bad choice? Whether the
option involves alcohol, drugs, sex, or smoking, the strength to say “no”
comes from a strong knowledge base about the potential dangers, on-going moral
instruction, and a strong appreciation of oneself as a valued and valuable
person, all of which come from us as parents. It is our job to give these
tools to our children on a routine basis, through open discussion, living as
examples, and constant reminders to our kids that they are deeply loved and
cherished. “During my daughter’s
teenage years, now 25, she thought I was a terrible mother because we didn’t
have the “friend” relationship that her peers had with their parents. You
see, we had rules in our house and when the rules were broken she was
grounded. Our kids were responsible for their actions. Very few of her
friends were ever grounded. However, a year ago, we were at a Mother’s Day
Tea and my daughter told the mother of a seven-year-old that she wanted to
raise her kids just like she was raised. Deanna graduated from college and
has a good job and her former high school friends quit college are still
partying,” says Mary Jo.
The bottom
line in easing our youngsters through these tough years is open communication.
Candid discussions whenever possible, coupled with compassion and an openness to
them as individuals, paves the way for a life-long strong relationship between
parent and child. And isn’t that what we all want for our families?
For
more information on talking to your children, please consider the following
resources:
http://kidshealth.org
A
Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey with Your Kids About Sex
(Hardcover)
by Dr. Kevin Leman, Kathy Flores Bell
Teen
Tips - A Practical Survival Guide For Parents With Kids 11-19
(Paperback)
by Tom McMahon
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