When Your Self-esteem is Damaged by Someone You Love
by Mary Anne Thomas

When people hurt us, self-esteem is always damaged. It doesn't matter whether the hurt is intention or not. Even unintentional hurts inflict damage. 

For example, recently my husband Bob was told by an editor that his latest golf book did not contain enough details about his minor characters and thus did not meet the bar the publishing company had set for determining which books are good enough to be published. The editor didn't mean to hurt Bob. He was just doing his job - a job that calls for rendering critical opinions - but the effect on Bob was disastrous. He felt put-down and misunderstood, and he walked with his head a little lower for several days.

Intentional hurts do the most damage, of course, and my husband Bob is a good example of that truth as well. When Bob lost his mother, he learned that she had left a surprisingly large sum of money - to everyone but him. He had known what she planned to do with her money in her will - she had told him often enough - but he was unprepared for the impact of it. He felt so belittled: picked-on, unappreciated and horribly rejected by a mother who had never told him what he had done to deserve it. I watched him as he slumped in his chair, sobbing, because of this final - intentional - hurt from his mother, I wondered if his self-esteem would recover. 

Can self-esteem be repaired when it's damaged by those we love? Yes, and it's easier to repair than we've been led to believe. Why? Because new mind/body/spirit techniques are revolutionizing our ability to understand our feelings - and change them. Using one of these new mind/body/spirit techniques, I recently stumbled onto a way to repair low self-confidence - and got instant results.

I had been troubled by a relationship that had ended badly. I had been accused of something I didn't do. I felt hurt, betrayed - and even though I knew I was not at fault - I felt ashamed. Long after the relationship ended, I was still haunted by the experience. From time to time, I attempted to mend the problem. I offered an apology. I tried to win back my friend's approval. Nothing worked. The relationship could not be repaired, and my efforts to fix it added feelings of anger, frustration and rejection to the mix. It was a blow to my self-esteem that might have taken months of therapy to correct - until I tried something new.

I borrowed a technique from one of the mind/body/spirit classes I taught at a women's health center. This particular technique had been designed to help businesspeople tap into their spiritual minds to create prosperity, but it had a side benefit. It increased self-esteem.

It was a simple technique, almost deceptively simple, called the "Good News Board." Businesspeople were instructed to hang a dry erase board in a common area of their office - and to list items of "good news" as they occurred during their workday. Although they didn't realize it, the "Good News Board" enabled them to focus their minds on the things they were trying to create - rather than on office problems, gossip, and griping. "Good News Boards" sprang up in quite a few offices - always with the same results. Businesses gained financially - and immediately. Staff members felt appreciated, valued, respected, and understood . . . all signs of increased self-esteem.

Would a "Good News Board" heal my feelings of shame and repair my self-esteem? I decided to find out. I hung a "Good News Board" over my desk. I began to list things I did each day that made me feel confident - things I was proud of, things I liked about myself, things I felt relieved about.

1. I finished this week's article for "Mindzine" on time
2. I edited the log of last night's class - and got it right out
3. It was a great class!
4. I sent thank-you notes for the checks I received today
5. I sent an online greeting to my husband - to show him how much I value his advice
6. I worked on the new intro for my workbook - and found out that it wasn't as difficult a job as I thought it would be
7. I treated myself to a new pair of boots - something I've been wanting to do for a long time but was putting off
8. I met with my web designer and asked for the changes I really wanted on my website - without worrying about whether I was asking for "too much"

The more I wrote, the better I felt. After a few days, I noticed that my feelings of shame had abated. A few weeks later, they disappeared - and I felt more confident than ever before. My work improved. The number of people who signed up for my classes increased. Greater success gave a higher self-esteem . . . and it continued as long as I added things to my personal "Good News Board" each day.

Repair your self-esteem right now with a "Good News Board"

1) Buy a dry erase board and colored markers - and hang your "Good News Board" over your desk. If you'd like to use a more private version of the "Good News Board," buy a small 8x10 inch spiral-bound journal and prop it on your desk.
2) Each day, add items that make you feel good about yourself. Write down the things you like about yourself, things you appreciate about yourself, tasks you perform that you're proud of, your accomplishments and achievements - all of your personal "good news."
3) Watch for signs that the new, more confident "you" is being seen by others." You'll automatically receive more praise and appreciation.

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