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After a Fight, Get Back to Love
By Mary Anne Thomas
Relationship fights are supposed to clear the air and bring us closer together - but too often the opposite occurs. A fight creates distance . . . and makes both partners feel as though they have been attacked.
Is there a way to get back to love after a fight? There is . . . and I found it when fights created distance in my own marriage.
It happened during the most stressful years of my marriage, right after our son Jeffrey died in an auto accident. Bob and I were both very angry, consumed with grief. When we fought during those years, we said things we regretted. For example, Bob has a habit of drinking too much coffee and getting grouchy as a result. In the days following our son's death, I had no tolerance for unhappiness. The weight of grief and guilt I carried was just too much for me to handle, and Bob's frequent barking touched my unhappiness nerve.
"Coffee turns you into a grouch and makes me sorry I married you." I wasn't trying to put him down. I just wanted him to realize how much his grouchiness was hurting me, but Bob felt put down and he retaliated. "You're a health nut! No one can live up to your standards!" Once, he became so angry he stormed out and told me that he would divorce me if I ever put him down again.
"How can I return my relationship to love?" It's a question I needed an answer to when I thought I might lose the man I loved. Yes, Bob lets coffee sharpen his tongue - and he has other annoying habits as well - but he's a great guy. I can't imagine living without him. You feel the same way about your partner. When left alone in an empty room, we all want our partners back.
"How can I return my relationship to love?" To find the answer, I flipped through my large collection of self-help books but I didn't find anything that would help me. Even the most popular books outlined communication techniques that seemed outdated. I wanted something spiritual, something that would return Bob and I to the good relationship we had had . . . before the fight.
I decided to try something unusual. I turned to the spiritual team-building techniques Bob and I had developed to create success in our business. Our techniques had increased morale, sales and collections, and Bob and I had solved other business problems with them as well. Would one of our team-building exercises return our marriage to love? I had nothing to lose and so I gave it a try.
While Bob was driving around the block trying to cool off, I used one of my most successful business exercises, called "What you appreciate . . . grows," and I adapted it to relationships.
I took out a blank piece of paper. At the top of the page, I wrote: "Things I like about Bob." I listed some of the qualities that had attracted me to him: He's loyal, he talks to me about his feelings, he's supportive of my goals in life, he's good-looking.
Next, I wrote down this question: "Why do I like these things about Bob?"
Under "He's loyal," I wrote:
^ I know that he'll never cheat on me
^ He takes my side when someone picks on me
^ No one ever puts me down when he's around
^ He's the type of person who will work out problems |
Under "He talks to me about his feelings," I wrote:
^ I feel good when Bob shares his feelings with me
^ I feel more confident about myself, less awkward about my own feelings
^ I feel relieved - as though I'm being given permission to share too |
Under "He's supportive of my goals," I wrote:
^ He's always there when I need him!
^ He's my champion
^ Whenever I pick on myself, he tells me that I'm being too hard on myself
^ I know that - no matter what - Bob will love me
^ I never thought I'd have someone who loves me this much |
Under "He's good-looking," I wrote:
^ I'm a little embarrassed to admit how much I like watching Bob undress, but I do
^ He's all man
^ He didn't get flabby when he reached his 50's
^ I would have loved him anyway, but it's a treat to see him keep his good looks
^ Some days, he reminds me of the boy he once was
^ He's strong and handsome - and I dream about going to the prom with him
^ I didn't have many joyful days as a teenager
With Bob it would have been so different
^ He's graceful - probably because he plays golf
I wonder if playing golf has made him a good dancer? |
I wrote the exercise from my heart. I didn't write about the things that we're supposed to appreciate. I wrote about the things that make me happy. Then, with the second question, "Why do I like these things?" . . . I amplified my thoughts.
It worked! When Bob returned home - instead of giving me the silent treatment - he apologized. He had never before apologized after a fight. He's not the type of man who likes to give in.
But that night, he did give in. He gave in to love. I had not only found the key to getting back to love after a fight . . . I had found a magical new way to communicate with Bob, using a spiritual technique to accurately express the feelings in my heart.
You can do the same thing! Use this new spiritual tool after a fight, or when you feel unappreciated or rejected, or when you just want more love. Use it with all of your relationships, even your business relationships. Whenever love has been put down . . . put it back in.
© Copyright 2000, Mary Anne Thomas. All rights reserved.
Mary Anne Thomas's "Creative Relationships" discoveries have been taught in popular and professional seminars all around the world, and her "Creative Relationships" course was the first information on relationships taught to family practice physicians through the University of North Carolina Medical School. Mary Anne is the author of "An Adventure of the Mind," a new spiritual workbook that teaches you how to manifest your dreams using mental and spiritual tools rather than physical effort. It's the true story of her own adventure with her husband following the death of their son, as they decided to find more powerful, more spiritual ways to live. Find "An Adventure of the Mind" as well as free articles that teach the wonders of creating with the mind at
http://www.mindadventures.com |
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