Children on Loan
by Janette Lilley

"Children are not guests in our home. They have been loaned to us temporarily for the purpose of loving them and instilling a foundation of values on which their future lives will be built." Dr. James Dobson

When Heather was almost 5 years old, and TJ was a toddler, I was having a very difficult time with parenting. Heather refused to cooperate with anything until I spanked her. I tried yelling, taking away toys, and time outs. She acted like Mommy wasn't serious until the spanking. I believe she was abused with the amount of spankings she got. I felt like a failure as a parent, and I was getting so frustrated.

About the same time, I started to attend church. I started hearing real truth and recommitted my life to Christ. I signed up for women's bible study on Thursday mornings, called Lord, Heal My Hurts. Heather was in kindergarten, and I took TJ with me, as there was a wonderful child care program during the bible study. I went on to studies on healing from Codependency, Anger, Bitterness, and Anxiety/Depression.

One day, after a particular difficult situation with Heather, I realized this child was scared of me! I locked myself in my bedroom, got down on my knees and begged God for His help. I acknowledged she was His child, not mine. A special gift from Him, and I gave her back to Him. I said, "Okay, Lord. now, what shall I do with YOUR child? The problem was in my attitude. That is, recognition of who she, they, belong to. When they were done in my home, who would they be? Did I want scared children growing up with lousy skills to navigate through life, except the modeling of a parent that was always angry? How could they understand the love of our Heavenly Father?

He is faithful. The first thing He taught me was to lower my voice. I found that Heather ALWAYS listened when I talked very quietly, even whispered. If I found myself angry, I would whisper. Then, I found an excellent book, by Adele Faber, called Talk So Your Child will Listen, and Listen So Your Child will Talk.

Then, I learned about boundaries. Did you know that a 2-year-old child with no boundaries is extremely insecure? They must have boundaries to feel loved. I read a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. In time, I used the audio and videotapes as well. (Drs. Cloud and Townsend now have a specific book for parenting, called Raising Kids Right).

Then, I set out to model behavior I wanted for His children to have. But what was that behavior? I went to bible studies, got involved in a home fellowship circle with other parents, and watched, listened and prayed. By this time, I was also in Christian counseling. I was dealing with my own anger and issues, and I was using skills and principles learned in counseling to work with the kids. I was enjoying them like never before.

I have had some difficult situations with the kids. Remembering they are God's, but they are my charges while I am here, gives me great freedom. I no longer worry what people will think, but what God thinks.

TJ was very ill when he was 2 1/2 with a blood disorder that prevented blood clotting and caused him to bruise. His body would have handprints on his skin, from holding him, being picked up, or touched with a slight pressure. He could bleed to death if he got a cut, or if he bumped his head his brain
could bleed out in a few minutes. I remember praying, now Lord, this is YOUR child, I am going to take the best care of him I can. But you are going to have to protect him. The Doctor told me I could not leave him for a minute. Nor could he play with other children because of the danger of injury. I had an unusual peace. I knew the possibility was this adorable blonde haired blue eyed angel was about to be with his Heavenly Father. There were stressful moments; he had to undergo a painful procedure to aspirate his bone marrow test for Leukemia, then have his blood tested 3 times a week. Not only was he healed, but healed very quickly for this kind of disorder.

I found reminders worthy of hanging on my refrigerator. Like..."Fear is the Lowest form of Discipline" "Discipline comes from Disciple. Disciple means to teach". What does your child learn from punishment? Heather learned the wrong things from her frequent spankings. She saw Mommy was angry and hurt her, and that she was a bad girl. I have never spanked TJ. Of course, at the prime age spankings begin, I couldn't touch him without bruising him. Please, teach your children, don't punish them. Yes, consequences for unacceptable behavior is necessary. I constantly ask myself, how can the consequences be a time of teaching?

Heather is now a senior in High School, taking honors classes and having a weighted GPA of over 4.0. Before she began high school, I turned the responsibility over to her for getting out of bed and getting to school. In junior high, I gave her the responsibility of getting her homework done and turned in. Some missed homework did influence her grades, but by her
sophomore year, that worked itself out. Heather has worked as a (paid) day camp counselor since the summer after her freshman year, age 14. She likely will get hefty scholarships to the school she chooses.

TJ is now an eighth grader. He is making the adjustment to total responsibility like Heather did. He, too sets his alarm and gets ready for school on his own. His eighth grade bible teacher approached him the other day, and asked him to teach his class in the book of Mark. Then came and said she wanted to meet the parents of this kid who knows so much about the bible.

I give their Father God all the credit.

Janette Lilley is co-editor, with her husband, Rev. Jeff Lilley of a daily email e-zine called Cheer and Inspiration. She is a full-time wife and the mother of Heather, 16, and TJ, 13. Amazing Grace Cheer and Inspiration is free.
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