Family Man
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
ParentingToolbox.com

Fathers have been called a "biological necessity, but a social accident."
Some call us "dead beats" or "good for nothing." Given the problem society has had with absent fathers (emotionally and physically) I can see why. 

But not every one sees fathers as second-rate parents. More positive
descriptions include: "protector, supporter, provider and even nurturer."
Way back in the Garden of Eden, man and women were commanded to share the parenting responsibilities and be joint caretakers of their family. When God
said "to be fruitful and multiply" he wasn't speaking only to the man and
directing him to be "biological necessity" for reproduction. He has a part
to play in the family. A very important one. Unfortunately, many children
today only get to experience one side of that divine commandment as seen in
the single parent statistical climb.

The fallout of this reality, for children, is "daddy hunger." I see this
everyday in my practice as a child therapist. Daddy hunger refers to
unconscious craving of a child for male connection. Unfortunately, as the
song about "finding love in all the wrong places" says, children may try and
feed that hunger in unhealthy ways. And when they do get attention, in
unhealthy ways, they are left feeling as hungry, if not more, than before.
What they got wasn't true fathering.

Fatherless children and children of abusive fathers, want a positive
relationship with a man. In fact, they need it to become capable parents
themselves someday. It is hard to parent when you haven't had good examples
in your life. That's why some of the best therapy I have done has nothing to
do with my clinical wizardry. It simply has to do with the fact that I am
male. Even some women, who have had terrible relationships with men, come to
see me because I am male. If they are sincere they can work on some very
important relationship issues with me, by virtue of my being male, that they
might not be able to do with a woman therapist.

In addition to acting as a healthy dad-object to my child clients, I take
pride in being a dad to my own children. Being a dad is one of the toughest
and most rewarding jobs I have experienced. I should know. I have been a
traditional two-parent father, divorced father, single father, and now a
stepfather of four hormone raging, brain cell disappearing, teenage
children. That's right, four at one time. The key to keeping my sanity is
commitment. If I went with my emotions -- well, lets just say that it
wouldn't be a pretty picture. Maybe that is why so many dads are absent,
emotionally or physically. They don't know how to handle their emotions. Or
they think that parenting is about handing their emotions. Either way, you
are bound to lose, regardless of your gender.

Parenting is a choice. I choose to love my children, biological and
nonbiological. To be a family man, a profession of commitment must be made
to your partner and your children. And I mean it in that order. Partner
first. Children second. And this goes double for step or blended families. I
know its not what you have been told but don't believe everything you hear
(except from me, of course). In nontraditional families parents tend to lean
in the direction of their biological children. Its like a magnet; formed at
the moment you witnessed their birth, that pulls you together. Acknowledge
that pull as healthy but don't let it pull you apart from your partner. That
is not healthy.

Children are concrete thinkers. They need to see, hear, feel your
commitment. Write it on a certificate and stick it on the refrigerator door
along with the grocery list and the daily artwork. Talk about it at the
dinner table. Show it in your willingness to show up at their school play or
go on the bus for the school field trip. This can be hard for children of
divorce or abusive homes to trust. And it can be hard to say or do. Get a
drink of water to clear your throat. Practice it in front of the mirror.
Write in on your hand. Do whatever it takes, but say it, with words and
actions. After a while, sometimes a long while, even the most hurting kids
will believe it.

A reporter recently asked fathers an important question, on a fathers online
discussion list of which I am a member. He wanted to know what we thought
was the biggest change for fathers in the last 100 years. Well, that's a big
question but I wrote back that a revolution is taking place in society
around the concept of fathering. Fathers are tearing down stereotyped images
of fatherhood. Some are doing this in a very proactive, legislative fashion.
Others, the quiet majority, are simply doing what God asked them to do way
back when. Be involved.

Fathers roles are changing. Many dads are staying home and taking care of
the children while mom works. Many are becoming single dads and fighting for
time with their children instead of giving up and the courts are staring to
listen. Others are taking advantage of the new technology to work at home to
be more involved. And some corporations are allowing dads to work more
flexible hours so fathers can see their child dressed up as a shepherd, in
the Christmas play. That's why I think my rally cry for fathers in the new
millennium will be: "Be committed. Be involved. Be a social necessity." In
other words, be a family man!

Visit Ron's site:  Parenting Toolbox at:
http://ParentingToolbox.com

Return to the Father's Day Directory: 

Related Articles:

When Mealtime is the Dreaded Time of Day
Mealtime was the one time everyday when we came together  as a family and discussed our day. Some of my fondest memories are of dinnertime, when, at least once a week, my brother would spit milk across the table because he burst
out laughing at my other brother over something silly that he did. 

Parenting the Sibling Rivals
With so many books on the market that address parenting and children, written by both experts and non-experts, you may notice that many of them suggest various degrees of spacing in terms of how many years should be between your children.

Children on Loan
"Children are not guests in our home. They have been loaned to us temporarily for the purpose of loving them and instilling a foundation of values on which their future lives will be built." Dr. James Dobson

Make Time to Enjoy the Child You Love
There are many things in life that need our time and attention. But, NO THING should keep us from setting aside a regular time to be with our children.