When Mealtime is the Dreaded Time of Day
by Mia Cronan

Mealtime was the one time everyday when we 
came together as a family and discussed our day.

We’ve all been there. During our single days or our married days before children, dinnertime was a time of peace and laughter, chat about our day, trying new recipes (or enjoying a meal at a restaurant), and sharing of our time. Nowadays, at least in our home, it’s a time of repeated confrontation about manners and trying to get our kids to experiment with new foods. In short, it’s not pretty. Our generation was raised, in many cases, by Depression-era parents who do not find it acceptable to leave food on one’s plate. Nor was it amusing when children refused to try new things and said, "I don’t like it!" I sound just like my mother now when I hear myself saying, "How do you know unless you try it?!" (As a child, I remember sitting by myself until my plate was clean, long after my older brothers and sisters had gone on to other post-meal activities. It was usually Brussels sprouts that were the offending objects on my plate, too.) My two-year old thinks she has figured out a neat trick now. She just drops the unwanted morsels on the floor, and her plate is clean!

I came from a fairly strict background, where eating was serious business. We sat down as a family, said the blessing as a family, and we stayed seated until the last person was through. Many of these customs have fallen to the wayside in some modern families, and it saddens me to a large degree. Mealtime was the one time everyday when we came together as a family and discussed our day. Some of my fondest memories are of dinnertime, when, at least once a week, my brother would spit milk across the table because he burst out laughing at my other brother over something silly that he did. And, of course, my brother with the milk problem would get reprimanded. It was great fun! But seriously, things were expected of us.

One thing that was absolutely expected was that we would try everything on our plate. We had to give it a fair shake. It was NOT acceptable to say, "But I don’t like it!" prior to tasting it. And the explanation we received was that my parents were preparing us to be able to dine graciously in other people’s homes. It sounded like a bunch of hogwash at the time, but now I swear I can go into anyone’s home and try anything that’s put before me. By the way, I heard recently that once a child has tried something 20 times, he or she can eat it without a big problem. Twenty times of putting asparagus on my children’s plates seems more like torture than a life lesson, but hey, that’s what "they" say!

We have found some success in a few different areas of eating, however. Here are some ideas on dinnertime that might make things a little more pleasant down the road for you:

Expect early on that your children will say a blessing with you before dinner, if that is your custom. The earlier this practice is incorporated, the earlier it will be the norm for them. Hence, the more likely it is that it is a practice that will remain with your children for life.

Expect your children to remain seated until everyone at the table is through eating. If they know this from the start, it will come as no surprise when they want to run off with their friends, for instance, but are not permitted to do so.

Expect your children to taste everything on their plates. You may decide beforehand to omit something from the repertoire in order to avoid an ugly scene, but that’s your choice. This allows you to have a little control over the discipline that goes with eating in a social environment, and it also allows the child the enjoy a small victory when he does what’s expected of him (because it was an achievable task). If you know it’s going to cause a big problem, you may not want to bother offering it. I’m referring here to some strong-flavored items like Buffalo wings, or (eek!) liver.

Remember not being permitted snacks close to mealtime? There’s something to that. I’ve seen even a little popcorn during an afternoon movie ward off the heartiest of appetites. You may be starting your own war by permitting a little snack then insisting your children clean their plates.

That brings us to another point…cleaning their plates. How can we really tell how hungry a child is? If he wants to leave a few morsels on his plate after giving it a good effort, you may want to "choose your battles" here and let it go. If the problem is a complete refusal to eat, then the problem is on a larger scale. But I’m sure that my penchant for carrying a few extra pounds here and there can be attributed to having to clean my plate every single night whether I was full or not, because I still do it today! And from what I can see, American children already have enough of a weight problem. I would, however, insist that if a child has no room for that last bite of peas, he certainly has no room for ice cream or cookies. It’s amazing how children always seem to find an extra interior pocket for those types of things, hmmm?

All in all, mealtime should be enjoyed by all. It can and should be a time of sharing, a time to create lifelong memories of ritual and routine, and a time for parents to teach children about how we should treat each other; i.e. taking turns at conversation, offering the last bit of mashed potatoes to others before slapping it on our own plate, and helping to do the dishes at the end of the meal. Choosing your battles is always a great approach, but some prior thought and habit formation can make a long road a lot less bumpy. Bon appettit!

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