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Halloween Candy Overload
by Ken Swarner
Copyright 2000
Kids don’t realize exactly how frightening Halloween really is.
I’m not talking about the freaky masks, haunted houses, or pumpkin prices,
but rather, the enormous amount of candy that exchanges hands during this
season.
Have you noticed the first bag of Halloween candy is opened around October
20th and stays with us well through Thanksgiving? It’s like Jesus’ fishes
and loaves.
And it’s not like you can avoid it. There is one Halloween party after
another. There’s the school carnival, the shopping mall treats, the grocery
store samples and the drive-through bank teller handouts; followed up by the
relatives care packages and the kindergarten class hoe-down; which are really
appetizers for the neighbor’s potluck and grandma’s house where the
chocolate flows like the River Kwai; though nothing will ever compare to
those final minutes as we waddle home to devour the leftovers from all those
kids who never showed up at our door.
Especially sickening is I’m right there begging for handouts. That’s why
after the kids are in bed, I’m going to my Halloween party as something from
Cinderella, I told my wife.
"The prince?" she asked.
"No, the pumpkin carriage."
To make matters worse, the life span of Halloween candy is practically
eternal. After each event in October, the candy comes home and is transferred
from small treat bags into larger containers on top of the refrigerator.
Then, throughout November, each night, the Dots, gum and yellow dye #234 are
dragged down to the dinner table where each child can pick two pieces for
dessert and one for the next day’s lunch. While my two children begin
debates, trades and consultations which rival any marathon work the UN might
accomplish, my wife and I create diversions and complex plots so we can steal
the premium candy bars when the kids aren’t looking.
The candy summits last through Thanksgiving when finally, mom or I, depending
on who has gained the most weight, announce the madness must end before
someone goes into a diabetic coma. And, since it is the last call, each
child is allowed to pick five pieces of candy, which in turn means each
parent can indiscriminately sneak twice that amount.
Now, one might expect the candy is either thrown away or included with the
Goodwill pickup, but in all truth, it is hidden behind the ice cube trays in
the freezer and is slowly consumed throughout the winter until my wife and I
are whisked off in a moving van to the Betty Ford clinic.I told you Halloween is scary!
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An
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It's Halloween and you want to stay away from the big parties and door
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The
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Have
a Costume Swap Party!
Save money and have fun by having a pre-Halloween costume
making/costume swap party.
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