Let's Make 'New' New Year Resolutions
by Sheldene Chant

It is nearly time to start thinking about New Year Resolutions. Perhaps a little bit early, but the resolutions I have in mind may involve a little more time and effort than usual. 

Personal New Year Resolutions seem to have become rather pointless. After all, we resolve to do something worthy and spectacular practically every day. We are constantly urged to think positively, eat properly, stop smoking, exercise regularly, ditch emotional baggage, cast off toxic friends, think ourselves thin or rich - in fact the list is endless.

And none of these vital and life motivating resolutions can be shelved until the end of the year. They must be acted upon at once - which necessitates a whole  new approach to the New Year variety, to ensure that yet another of our  entrenched and much-loved traditions is not left, biting the dust.

Instead of limiting ourselves to our own, boring, old resolutions we should now decide what other people should resolve to do - preferably on our behalf. And this is where the extra time and effort comes in, because we must now persuade, badger or bludgeon family and friends, even governments, into accepting that what we have resolved for them is, in fact, the right and only thing to do.

My now adult children can, for instance, resolve to no longer entertain their dinner guests with ever more hilarious tales involving parental abuse. In a world where a headmistress appears in court for 'tapping' an unruly pupil, and a mother can be cautioned for remonstrating with her daughter, these far-fetched claims are no longer funny. (I am sure we only forgot to collect them from school once or twice. Not every other day.)

My dogs can resolve to desist from knocking me over or down the stairs (having already proved beyond a shadow of doubt that I do not have osteoporosis).

Hillary, the female St Bernard, can start the year on a high note by giving up the mind games she plays with the collies - because  their miniscule brains can't take it much longer. I am more than tired of having to escort them past Hillary, when she is in playful mood. It is also tedious having to rescue them from her  jaws when they once again fall into the trap of trying to take the food which
Hillary has been pretending she is not going to eat.

That's all I can think of at short notice. There's sure to be more - my husband for a start - but one mustn't be selfish. These new-look resolutions can and should be applied on a far broader scale.

Do you think there is the slightest chance of persuading the Queen of England that she should 'keep' PM Tony Blair permanently in the Tower of London - after she has banned soccer and the matching hooligans as well?

The next US President (yes, there is going to be one) could perhaps be cajoled into being quiet, respectful and considerate for a long period because we have all had a gut full of political utterances. He could also gain great favour with decent people if his first act in the New Year was to outlaw all Democrats and Republicans. (He can get around to the Greens and the Reform Party later.)

There are a number of things I would like South African President Thabo Mbeki to do, but I'll settle for a moratorium on all talk of HIV-AIDS, racism, and the African Renaissance. While the most sensible thing Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe could do, would be to disappear without a fuss - and for good. After all, he needs a rest.

I can see all this is going to take time - and boundless energy. So don't delay, start today, but be sure not to exhaust yourself completely.

Without a doubt someone is going to come up with a simply ridiculous suggestion/resolution for you to adopt and you must be strong and fit enough to settle their hash. - quickly.

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