Are You Selfish?
By Caroline Shaw

I remember having a wonderfully liberating revelation -- the fact that we both came to realize that no matter how upset we were or how often we disagreed, we could rely on the fact that we did indeed love one another no matter what happened. Do you know how
liberating that fact was?

My Daddy, who died a few years ago, was probably the least selfish man I
ever met or probably will ever meet. Sometimes I wonder how am I going to
make it through my marriage, I am so mad, or so disgusted or feel so put
out or whatever. I do this a lot....after all I am not perfect by a long
shot...I have been married to the same man for 29 years and believe you
me, he is definitely not perfect either. Either you will say I am stupid
or that I must know something that works. Well, there are times I am
stupid, but I have learned a couple things in 29 years. The first thing I
wanted to share is that I remember having a wonderfully liberating
revelation -- the fact that we both came to realize that no matter how
upset we were or how often we disagreed, we could rely on the fact that we
did indeed love one another no matter what happened. Do you know how
liberating that fact was????? What got in the way of this realization
coming into existence a lot sooner in our marriage was our pride and our
selfishness. Once we took that first step towards...."OK, I'll be the one
to give in first....I still love you," we opened a whole new window to
fresh, clean air that forever changed our relationship and you can do it
too!

First, you need to do an exercise of sorts. Take out some pen and paper
and write down all those things about your mate that you like and love. He
is so sensitive to my needs at such and such a time....He truly makes our
family laugh even in tough times.....whatever. At the bottom of the list
write in your own words...I will never stop loving _____. Make a note of
the date. Now, take that list and put it in a special and accessible
place. Next, put this list in your brain and make it accessible there.
Next time you become angry as you surely will...after a little while (you
probably want to calm down, first) go to your mental list and proclamation
of love forever. Re-affirm the proclamation and recall, most of the times
when you were angry, you eventually got over it. Why? Because of your love and your willingness to use it as a safe harbor, a foundation. It would be helpful if you would share this whole procedure with your husband, your wife. I remember my husband and I (I believe I did initiate) having a talk about the fact that no matter what, we would continue to love one another....you try it. You both will feel so much better and more secure in your relationship. 

Back to Daddy....he took care of my mom after she got sick and she was not fun to be around. She accused him daily or hourly of things he had never done, but he cooked for her, cut up her apples in a special way, cleaned for her and took her on those never ending rides. He would say to her, "Helen, I could drive you to Chicago and turn around to go back to
Pittsburgh and you would still say, 'I don't want to go home, yet.'" He
gave and still loved, even at a time when it was definitely a one-sided
affair. I want to practice love like that. I'm not that close, but I can
see the value of standing on the "I will never stop loving _____."
proclamation. I know you can probably see the value of such a declaration
too.

Caroline Shaw is a mom of six, she lives with her husband,
Bernie, three children (still at home,) two kitties and a collie near
Pittsburgh. A graduate of Duquesne Univ. in Pittsburgh, she is
editor of an online magazine, "A Moms Love," written for and by
Moms. Author of three newsletters: Momslove, Workathomeideas
and "In The Kitchen" for Family Corner, she is enjoying her new
role as leader for Moms Network in Pennsylvania.

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